Vincent S. Pepe

8/18/08

Hi Vin.  I hope you like it.  I know it is a little late. I take it everywhere with me just as I take you everywhere with me in my heart. I miss you. Love you.

Hi Hon.

I just wanted to let you know how much I miss you.  Today is week 16 without you and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Everyone keeps saying how good I am doing and how good I look but no one really knows how I feel.  All I feel like I am doing is just some kind of sick routine. I get up every morning with this unbearable emptiness then about an hour or 2 later when I can actually get motivated to leave the bed I take a shower, get dressed, and go to work. I come home, cry for 2 hours before turning off the light, then another night maybe 1 - 2 hours of sleep then the day starts again.  I really do put on a good show. It seems there is nothing out there for me, nothing to look forward to, nothing to wish for, except maybe an early death.

I have no one to talk to and I know that is selfish because you are not here. It’s been over a month now and I still can't even put away my clothes into the new bedroom furniture I bought.

I don't even know why I bought it. It seems that people deal with grief in their own way.. Drinking, pills, it seems that 2 of my deadly sins are eating and shopping. It really is unbelievable that you can spend thousands at a time on nothing and it still doesn't make you happy.

My guilt over your death consumes me and my memories always turn to the bad things. Arguments, fights, and of course my last memory of you... WHERE ARE ALL OF OUR GOOD MEMORIES?? Why does my heart and mind only remember the bad ones?  Will the day ever come when I think only of our Love?  I miss you. XOXO

To My Love:

I miss you! I love you! I still can’t believe you’re not here.

I miss your touch, your smell, and your voice.

Why did you have to go and leave me here?

I hate sleeping in the bed without you. I fold the blanket over your pillows so that I don’t disturb your side.

I know how you hate it when I steal the covers so I make sure not touch yours and to stay on my own side.

The garage is still the way you left it, although I have had to use a few of your tools.

 Don’t’ worry I put them back where I found them, probably not as perfect as you.

I am trying to take care of the motorcycle and your truck but you know that was always your thing.

I have been searching everywhere but I’m sorry hon, I still can’t find your wedding ring.

I wish I had been a better wife, I wish we would have tried to start a family earlier.

 You always think it is not the right time I would do anything to make that choice over.

I tried to keep all of my promises. The watch was one day late.

I tried to make everything perfect right until the end, but like you always said, too little, too late.

I will love and remember you forever. You are forever and always my best friend.

I want my life to pass by quickly so that when I die and you see me, you wouldn’t have forgotten me by then.

We don’t have enough pictures, and now it’s just too late.

All I have is your memory, I think often about the wedding and frequently about our first Montauk date.

I still have all the cards and letters you have ever sent me, but the one I read most often is the last.

When I found it I was surprised, how slowly since then the time has passed.

You wrote it six days before that horrible day.

Is there something you are trying to tell me did I miss what you were trying to say?

Your favorite blue shirt hangs in my closet; you know that one you like to wear.

We used to fight over sweat pants and t-shirts but now it just doesn’t seem fair.

Your hat is where you left it I’m sorry I just couldn’t let you have it.

No one is allowed in your room, especially in your closet.

Moma cries and looks for you every day – Callie does too.

Both Peg and Fran walk around the house talking to your picture just as I do.    

I hate waking up every morning I hope that one day I just don’t.

My life and dreams died with you in our “fucking dream house” so tell me really what is the fucking point?

Why didn’t I say I love you more? Why didn’t I make more time?

I never thought that when I said goodnight to you, it would be for the very last time.

You were right when you told me I would be sorry when you were gone.

It is true what they say... you really don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.

I need for you to give me advice and tell me what to do.

I know we always fought about it but in the end you know I always did what you wanted me to do.

It was the first week in May in 2000 that we moved to Florida.

Who would have known that exactly 8 years later I’d be bringing you back to New York to rest right next to your father.

You don’t visit me in my dreams I don’t see you in our house.

I am coming to realize that maybe you are still mad at me, and that I truly am all by myself.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me I know I let you down.

Selfish as always thinking of me first, I just wasn’t around.

I will never forget that May night when our life together ended.

I don’t care what they all say I need you here!! They don’t need you in heaven.

When I close my eyes at night I hear and see what I saw then.

The emptiness that I saw in your eyes the last breathe I heard when I pushed on your chest.

I hope you are at peace my love – your heart and mind finally at rest. 

I love you.

Forever and Always Yours

Stacey

XOXO

There are so many memories I have and none that stand out more than another. There are happy times. sad times, funny times and hard times that we shared together in the short but eventful 10 years we spent together. WOW - 10 years. I can't believe the time has gone by so quickly. From the first time we met on 9/19/98 in Barker's when we looked out the window and your white corvette was parked right next to my black IROC right up until almost 10 years later in our new home.

We have had a more good and bad luck, and we've shared more love and sorrow than anyone I have ever known. I don't know why I am still here and you are not but I do know one thing.. I couldn't have done any of it without you nor would I want to. For better and for worse you were and are the only one for me. I love you and I miss you. My Love.